"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.