“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Can I hold your hand?
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Sea you at the beach.