I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
I like you sow much.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.