Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...