The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
"No wine left behind."
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.