Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Whatever coats your boat.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Nice asteroids.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.