If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
I pitcher us together forever.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?