Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
All things must grass.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.