"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
Distill my beating heart.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.