What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.