What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.

What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.

“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.

I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin

What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.

My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”

A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.

Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.

My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back

There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”

Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!

He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."

Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.

My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."

What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.

I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.

An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.

What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X

What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!

Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.

What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!

What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!

I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.

What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.

Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”

Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?

What do you call a negative fog?

A pessimist.

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!

My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"

Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!

Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?

If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!

Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen