Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
We are mint to be.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"There's no bunny like you."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.