Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.