I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
I scored when I met you.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Your presents is requested.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".