“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.