I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
I'm snow bored.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.