What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.