The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.