If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
You're so clover!
Up to snow good.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Do you comma here often?
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.