Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.

How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?

What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers

What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.

A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)

I love you meow and forever.

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde

I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.

Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!

Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.

A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.

What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.

Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.

A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.

What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.

I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.

Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.

What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.

What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!

How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”

Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.

Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.

What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!

The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.

What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”

My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."

Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.

Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date

Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!

Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.

My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!

What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.

"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller

How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley

You're as hot as a desert summer.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!