What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
I love you deerly.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.