There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
We make a great pear
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.