I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Say it ain’t snow.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?