Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
You’re my #1 pick.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.