When you offered me love, I lepton it!
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.