"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.