What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
People are always after me lucky charms.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
I think we need to become better strangers.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.