“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
The only thing tender today is my heart for you
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
For instant fun, just add water.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown