What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?