Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
You make my heart skip a beet.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Can I hiber-mate with you?
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!