I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.

What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”

My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.

Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.

How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.

A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"

I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.

Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.

The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!

What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.

A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”

4G, or not 4G, that is the question.

My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.

I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."

So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad

I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!

Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"

Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.

Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.

How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles

You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.

Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.

"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"

A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.

Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.

I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.

She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."

My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.

Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.

What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!

Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.

“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale

I love you and I ain’t lion.

I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.

I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample

What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.

Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.

A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.

Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.

Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.