What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
I came here looking for a little tail.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.