A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
"You deserve better and so do I."
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
Do you squat here often?
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!