My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
I can turn your software into hardware.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Treat yo shelves.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
You just caused a heat wave.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.