I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
I Wanna Be Your Man
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Knock knock.
Come in.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.