There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan