Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.

“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”

How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.

Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.

What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.

What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws

What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.

Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.

Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.

What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!

2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy

Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."

If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.

Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!

I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.

I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.

Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.

Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.

An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.

What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.

Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.

What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"

What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!

I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.

How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.

What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"

You're as hot as a desert summer.

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.

What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.

Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?

Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.