What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
That’s a bit mulch.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!