Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?
"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."
Do you comma here often?
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.