Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
My love for you is like no otter.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
"No wine left behind."
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Donut even think about taking another donut!
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Can I be your next varietal?
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.