I really hate straws.
They suck.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus