Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
Distill my beating heart.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.