Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Poor white splash.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
I would love to show you first class.
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.