What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
"I need to re-wine my life."
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Baby you make my telescope expand.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.