I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time