A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
I’m rooting for you!
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.