What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
I beg your garden?
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.