Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Biology - It grows on you.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Sleigh, what?!
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
Don't get tide down.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.