Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Deaf mute gets new hearing
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!