They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
You are shrimply the best!
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.