Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What a spud muffin.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.