What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
You’re the queen of my heart.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Get clover it, babe.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.