What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
I can heartly wait to see you again.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.