It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
Only a**holes use bidets.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Nice life preservers.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.