There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.