Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Shell-abrate the good times!
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.