What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.