I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
You are the square to my root.
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"