Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
I love you from my head tomato
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
If trees could kill you, they wood.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.