Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
In on the ground flora.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.