When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
You’re my pot of gold.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
You make miso happy.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
This is snow laughing matter!
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Can I be your next varietal?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.