Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.