"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!