Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.