What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
I goat this.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.