What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
I have bean
thinking about you.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.