"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."