“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
How was heaven when you left it?
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
We make a great pear
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
I like long runs on the beach.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Fishing you a happy day.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Can we still share a netflix account?