There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"