Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball

September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.

Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.

What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.

I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.

Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!

What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles

Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.

Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.

Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.

You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.

What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.

What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.

Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.

What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad

Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!

What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io

Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.

Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”

- Ed Asner.

What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.

I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.

Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.

What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.

Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!

"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous

Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.

I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.

What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.

Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.

She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.

What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!

Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.

Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.

I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”