My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
You’re my #1 pick.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Make it rein.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.