“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.