What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
That’s a-may-zing!
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
I think therefore I yam.