Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
You snooze. You booze.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
How was heaven when you left it?
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!