A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
I have the final sleigh.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.