What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.