What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Metaphors be with you.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Thank brew very much.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut