I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.