Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".