I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
I like long runs on the beach.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.