Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
I didn't know angels flew this low.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
We’ll have a ball.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"