Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.