“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.