I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.