Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
We make a great pear
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.