"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
Variety is the ice of life.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”