Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
Love me do
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller