I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!