What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".