There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
You're spicier than Sriracha.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
I really hate straws.
They suck.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
I like you, you croc my world.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”