I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'