Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.