My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
The goal nine yards
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."