A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.